Soon after accepting that I was gay I had an experience of Jesus. Jesus showed me that He loved me, gay and all!
And so I went to talk to my uncle Thomas. Thomas was a very tall man, he was a model when he was younger and while some say I look a little like him, I have yet to win any beauty pagents!
Thomas never married and growing up we all knew that he was gay. Of course he never said it but some things don’t need to be said.
Thomas was also a very religious man and had told me a few years before of a dream he had where Jesus came to him. Like all gay people, he too had suffered an awful lot in his life and in his generation homosexuality was even more taboo.
Country Ireland is full of old bachelors who “never found the right woman” and who hang out in men’s toilets!
To be honest while some of these men can be dangerous, they are also to be pitied. They could never talk openly about their sexuality and shame drove them underground.
Sadly the Church had a big role to play in this!
And so when I experienced Jesus I went to talk to my uncle Thomas. He understood immediately. He too had had experiences of demons and Jesus had given him a charism in prayer.
Thomas was my rock and loved me and helped me and prayed with me more than any priest in any country.
He had a simple and yet iron faith!
There was only one problem. Thomas would tell me to keep away totally from gay people less I fall into sin!
I would for a while but each time lonliness would lead me back. Straight people can never fully know what it’s like to be gay!
Priests would advise me the same, to keep away from gays!
But keeping away from gays was like keeping away from myself and gave me so much depression and lonliness.
It was like gays were deemed to be dangerous predators and that there was nothing good about them!
Occasionally I used to sneak off to meet gay people and it was so freeing. It was an environment where I wasn’t judged and I must admit that I often had the most interesting conversations in gay bars and even sauna’s.
Yes of course there was a lot of sexual activity too but one is not obliged to participate.
As I got to know these guys I got healed myself. Seeing that there was more to them than their sexuality helped me understand that there was more to me than my sexuality! Seeing God’s love and mercy for them helped me understand His love and mercy for me!
Many times I saw a supernatural blue light of Our Lady as I wandered around these places!
However I lived in terrible fear! Fear of my uncle Thomas asking me where I’d been, fear of priests..
In 11 years travelling never once did I meet a priest with a heart to reach out to the gay community. Even the gay priests preferred to hide behind religious habits than open their hearts to their brothers!
Fear, fear and more fear is at the heart of it all. Fear of gays, fear of sin, fear of the church!
But catholic teaching teaches of 2 types of sins! One is by things you did deemed to be sinful such as masturbating and the other is the the things that you could have done but didn’t!
And so 99% of catholics seem to be so afraid of falling into sin that the same fear blocks them from reaching out to people who need love! Why are they not afraid of the sin of judging gay people and the sin of not loving and helping gay people?!
And so priests and others were so afraid that I’d fall into sin by mingling with the gays that they failed to see that it was in mingling with the gays that I’d get fully healed! Furthermore gay people needed to hear of God’s love for them, something I’m not sure I’ve ever heard mentioned in a Sunday sermon!
What’s more than that I’ve often found far more love and community among the gays than in religious houses where I’ve stayed over the years!
And so nowaday’s I meet gay people every day. They are the most wonderful people who have often had very difficult lives.
If I’m honest I know that I’ve reveived far more healing from them than they have from me!
So today is perhaps a good day for us all to open our hearts even wider to the gay community. Let’s not judge on people’s sexual activities but let’s love and break down the walls of prejudices in our hearts between ‘us and them’